This is my fourth week of antibiotics for Lyme disease. It appears that I have chronic Lyme and may have had an infection years ago, or months ago, or who knows, that is now flaring up with all sorts of weird symptoms.

One of the big ones is appetite related. My stomach hurts almost all the time, and so I don’t want to eat. Not wanting to eat oversimplifies the feeling; I think my body is telling me not to eat because I feel so sick. But if I tell it no, and eat food, I feel better.

Here we are in the mind-fuck part of Lyme disease: it is like it is trying to trick you into doing things that aren’t good for you. I know that other diseases and conditions can do this, so it isn’t a huge surprise but also — it is? How can this be caused by a tiny spirochete bacteria named Borellia bugdorferi?

Right now I am drinking water with a splash of bitters in it. It is late on a summer night. My back hurts alot but I am hoping a hot shower will help (learned that trick last night). I am trying to not take anti-nausea medicine as it really messes up my digestion, which is already messed up thanks to antibiotics (doxycycline). My solution? Keep taking the Doxy and start to carve small, life-sized charms of Doxy pills. You gotta laugh.

My husband and I are having issues as he can’t do anything about my illness and so is becoming irritated at its longevity. I keep telling him that it bothers me (probably) more than him, but … I just don’t have any energy for anyone even myself right now, and for that, I feel very bad. I feel that it is a major accomplishment that I get an outfit together (with jewelry!), get some food together and get to work. I also feel accomplished that I am able to fake it at work every day, sort of; I am able to maintain and get things done. I hate to feel this selfish, but when he gets frustrated with it, I either get frustrated back or just get so tired I just kind of shut down.

The mind fuck of it all. What IS Lyme disease? No one knows. So many people have it. How is that possible. When might there be a vaccine? When did life get so complicated? Is our country changing irrevocably? I lost another friend to pancreatic cancer last week; why isn’t there a screening tool for it when so many people die of it so young? This life is so mysterious and makes less sense the more time I hang out here.

Sending love to you – I hope you are all right. Hang in there, baby.

I love this sweet song – I am not a super Taylor Swift fan (don’t tell anyone!), but this one really struck me today.