Here are the difficulties of mid-life. I will be 45 in a few months, and my husband will be 47. Today I was telling a story about jewelry school; a short story about a stone seller on a motorcycle with a backpack full of gemstones, and I realized how much I missed a sense of freedom.

Here I am, almost 45. I “own” a house, which means I pay a mortgage on it every month, and insurance, and taxes. I pay the same in my own life, and try to save money. I work at a friend’s gallery in the hopes of taking it over in a year or so, but all the while knowing that I am not earning what I need to earn to have the life I want. I feel like sometimes I am living in a limbo of the future: waiting. Why am I doing that when I could be actively pursuing the present? But I am doing that, too, going to work every day and enjoying it despite a greatly reduced salary. It feels unsustainable, and like something will have to shift. It’s like I want to live here, but living here is so difficult because there are so few people to sustain the place. So few good jobs, and a seasonal culture that tempts you to participate in it because you have so much time to yourself in the dark and cold days.

I don’t want to complain, and don’t think I am doing that, exactly. My husband who used to be happy and silly is hard and angry now, so upset about something I don’t understand. It’s like the last year has changed him into a stranger; someone who seeks to find something wrong with things. I seek to find things that are right, and to be ok with things if they aren’t. I get mad about the big issues, but all in all, I am happy with my daily home life. I don’t understand why he isn’t, and I don’t understand what is making him so angry.

His coworker was murdered a year and two months ago, and that has something to do with it, although I won’t know what for a long time; that kind of thing takes a long time to process. He became so emotionally entangled with his boss, a man who outwardly seems friendly and engaged, but inwardly has no capacity to talk about hard things. It is as if C feels that he is responsible for his boss’ emotions, when that is impossible. When he said he wanted to go to another, different job, the man asked him to stay repeatedly, and non-sensically, saying things like “I will make all your dreams come true!”. What does that even mean? Why would he say something like that to his employee; it is so manipulative. So is never speaking about the employee who was murdered, acknowledging her death, or offering support if support was needed.

I feel compassion and care for my husband, of course I do. In some moments he seems clear again, with a plan. Sometimes it seems like he wants the future to be exactly what he wants, and doesn’t think about what I might want, and how those things can go together. Sometimes, I wish we had never come here, and sometimes, I am thankful that all these things are coming out. Most of the time, lately, I am just very confused about the state of the big world and the state of my world, and how my world feels so different and off. I am thankful for the experience, but wish it could be different than it is.

Bah! An impossible want; to know what it is one is supposed to do with one’s life!?! How do you ever know?