Great Wave Off Kanagawa – Hokusai – 1829-1833

I feel so sad and I can’t tell you why. I just planted elderberries as part of my Victory Garden and tried to not think about it for awhile, but was still overwhelmed by a heaviness and a sense of frustration, anger and being overwhelmingly tired. I think of my friends who are immuno-compromised, my husband, my friends who are nurses and doctors. The old people like my aunts and the young people like the new babies: it just makes me want to cry with worry! And yes, you might say: you have no control over this, why are you so upset? And i would say to you: I have no choice.

I remember once in college when 9/11 happened and I felt like there was this giant weight or wave of humanity pouring out everywhere and there was nothing I could do but walk across the South Mall and feel it. I feel that way now. I have always felt that my heart is outside my body, not inside like other people. There are so many feelings. I understand why I used to push these away with drugs and alcohol and avoidance strategies that were so well honed they were indetectable even to me.

I imagine a giant tree in a forest in a storm. It is being hit, swept up, threatened, borne upon by forces of wind greater than itself. It whips around like the Whomping Willow in Harry Potter. The only time that I can control the feeling of that storm is if I am doing something active: walking, dancing, planting, painting. But I can’t do that *all the time*.

It is so fascinating that we are being asked to be so still in a time of such upheaval and uncertainty. Who knew that the best idea would simply be to stay at home and wait?

I am making a Spotify Playlist that is mostly aimed at being something to listen to when you are actively doing something: dancing, writing, painting, planting, walking, etc. I hope it is something that people like. I worry about my students. I will miss them so much tomorrow.